I am not voting for Donald Trump, but I refuse to hurl insults at those who do
I’m gonna make some people mad with this post. But that’s gonna have to be alright with me. Because I feel so vehemently on this subject matter (scrabble points for that big word, please).
I have dear people in my life - a cousin, a college friend, a neighbor, an aunt and uncle, and a mother figure - who are voting for Donald Trump. These are people I grew up with, I ran grueling miles of cross country with, I stayed weekend after weekend with, I’ve had long, long, long conversations with. These are people who have shown me things, who have opened up my mind to things, who have been generous to me with their things. These people shape me, mentor me, pour into me.
These are people I look up to.
Some of my absolute favorites.
Which is why, as some may imagine, I was shocked, disappointed, even mad, to learn that they would be casting their vote on Tuesday for a man who stands against nearly everything I stand for. And stands for nearly everything I stand against.
Now.
I told you I feel vehemently about this subject matter. So, if you - you Democrat, you Republican, you Independent - are turned off already, I urge you to press on anyhow. You just might get inside my cashew-sized brain deeper than you’ve ever gone before…
I am not voting for Donald Trump, but I refuse to hurl insults at those who do.
For those of you who don’t agree, allow me to ease you in; I’ll start with basic logic.
Reason # 1 why I won’t hurl insults at those who are voting for Donald Trump is because it doesn’t help.
Just like I have thought long and hard about my reasons - socially, fiscally, morally - for voting for Kamala Harris, Trump supporters have thought long and hard about their reasons for voting for Donald Trump. Just like I will not change my mind easily, they will not change their minds easily. Just like I dig deeper into my burrow of political opinions when someone attacks me for them, they are willing to go even further to the ends of the earth to stand up for their views when they feel attacked.
Have you ever wanted something to happen so badly that you ended up behaving in a way that actually made the opposite thing more likely to happen?
Needy people long for people to like them. But being needy turns people away.
Dieters deny themselves sugar for days, but then ruin the whole initiative by purging in one setting.
We parents want to shield our kids from harm, so we control to the point that they rebel and - you guessed it - cause themselves harm.
Being nasty towards those who support Trump only endears them more to Trump.
And hurling insults only feeds the narrative that conservative are being silenced, unconsidered, and even poorly treated by the other side.
So, Reason # 1 is: it doesn’t help.
Side note: Let me be clear that this is not my personal reason for not hurling insults at Trump supporters. I position it as #1, only because accepting this left-brained, logical reason might be the lowest barrier to entry into this post. I’m hoping it may speak - even if just a whisper - to those who think I’m crazy.
Beware, my voice will get louder.
I am not voting for Donald Trump, but I refuse to hurl insults at those who do.
Reason #2 makes a big leap into ooshy-gooshy land: because I love them.
There’s this misnomer out there that we have to think alike to love alike.
There’s an even more damaging misnomer in America (especially since Trump entered the political scene) that says this: you are duplicitous and weak if you keep Trump supporters in your life. That somehow you are betraying yourself and your politics by staying in relationship with them.
I disagree.
I think it is a courageous thing to think so lowly of Trump and keep those who think so highly of him in my life. If done with authenticity, I don’t think it’s duplicitous or disingenuous, and I surely don’t think one has to betray a single thing.
You want to know how I do it? Because I love them.
Luckily, my relationships with each of these beloved people in my life began long before 2024, long before Trump entered the political scene, and long before America became this polarized.
I love them.
And I refuse to let politics touch that love.
Now, it’s important to say that there are many ways to conduct oneself in a loving relationship with someone who does not think like you. I will discuss only two:
To altogether avoid the topics that you disagree on.
We know how this is done, don’t we? Whether it’s a spoken boundary or an unspoken one, most of us know how it works to be in relationship with someone where huge pieces of life are deemed off limits: you just don’t go there. This works (ESPECIALLY AT THE THANKSGIVING TABLE - may God help us all on November 28th). And it is brave. The main negative here is that the relationship is left a tad hollow and incomplete, like it’s missing something. Like a Christmas tree without its star. Like a menorah without its shamash. Like Macy’s Day parade without Snoopy. It’ll do (and, in many relationships - due to a painful trial and error process - is the only choice on the table), but it’s not particularly terrific.
2. To not avoid the topics you disagree on.
I’m going to spare you and not detail out how this is done… I have rules and suggestions and tips (and if I see you out and about in the real world, I’ll be happy to share). For now, allow me to say this: When I have had a successful, safe conversation with a Trump-supporting loved one, I 100% of the time walk away from it a better human than when I entered it. Instead of feeling angry and discouraged, quite surprisingly, I feel like something sacred happened… that a little, teensy piece of humanity was shared.
And you know what else I feel?
Encouraged.
Because of #3.
I am not voting for Donald Trump, but I refuse to hurl insults at those who do.
Reason #3: because we have more in common, on the inside, than we think.
I stumbled upon Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs when I was a freshman in my undergrad Psychology course with Dr. Bennett-Murphy. She instructed for us what the hierarchy was, how it was useful, and what it meant for us now. And I Ate. It. Up.
In essence: The larger the block on Maslow’s pyramid, the more basic the human need is. (Come on, pull the image up on your phone. It’ll be fun!). The two largest blocks at the bottom (Maslow - and I - would theorize these are the most basic and most common needs we all share) are:
Physiological needs and
Safety and security needs
These are the ones I’d like to discuss here, but for extra credit, you can learn the other three blocks of the pyramid. (Find me, tell me, and I’ll give you a lollipop.)
Maslow was saying that not just a few select humans or groups of humans experience these needs. Every damn one of us do.
When I have chosen to not avoid the topics my loved ones and I disagree on, I mention above that the result for me is a feeling of encouragement. Because underneath all the “hows” of getting those physiological and safety needs met for ourselves and our country is the fact that we all share in wishing (and needing) for them to be met.
Trump supporters’ views are shaped by the exact same things by which my views are shaped: good ole Maslow’s Hierarchy.
In one recent conversation, I learned that one Trump supporter is scared that Harris is dangerous because she won’t keep our country safe. I am scared that Trump is dangerous and won’t keep our country safe. In that same conversation, I learned that this loved one of mine believes this will be the last election if Harris wins, that the breakdown of democracy is at stake. Fill in the blank with Trump, and I fear the same thing.
In a different conversation, I walked away like my head had just exploded (in a good way, I promise), because the loved one expressed that she wanted her daughter to live in a country where the generations of women who’ve lived before and their work would be honored and kept sacred, where her daughter would be safe. And that was one reason she was voting for Trump. I about fell over, because that’s one of the reasons I’m voting for Harris. In that same conversation, the loved one voiced that she has grown weary of the “me, me, me” selfishness of the other side. I was like, “ME TOO!” We took another bite of pizza, sipped on our glasses of wine, and felt better.
Here’s why #3 is so important to me: it is easy to demonize folks who are voting for Trump as character-less, intelligent-less, and straight up bad.
It is also easy, if we put on our Maslow’s spectacles, to see that we are them and they are us. And that we share more in common than we don’t. Despite how the media (both the social kind and reputable outlets) attempts to make us feel wildly different from one another (a strategy that is effective, sadly), the truth is that we all want (and need) almost the exact same things.
This encourages me, yes it does.
And thank you, my homie Maslow, for pointing that out.
When I tell some of my liberal friends about my vehement beliefs around remaining curious and kind and loving towards Trump supporters, this is what I get:
“Better you than me.”
“God bless you for it, Tricia”
“There’s a special place in heaven for ya, girl.”
But, in those words, I can’t help but hear a not-compliment. Is there a hint of disapproval? A message that says, “You’re not living into your integrity, my friend.” I love these liberal friends to pieces, and I do believe they respect me… but do they judge me for not hurling insults at Trump supporters?
I hope not, because - I don’t toot my horn about much - but I do feel that I am living straight-away into my integrity, like a freaking boss.
So, there you have it. You have explored deeply into my cashew of a brain (and heart), and I hope you came out unscathed. This very personal philosophy of mine will not change the results of Tuesday, obviously. It might not even change a single soul out there. But adopting it has changed little ole me.
