When Talking it Out Doesn't Work, Try Again Tomorrow

When Talking It Out Doesn’t Work, Try Again Tomorrow

“Almost everything Will work again if you unplug

it for a few minutes…” -Anne Lamott

Examples of when I have a tendency to behave somewhat nuts: Anytime after 11:00 pm. Anytime before 6:00 am. The days I am hormonal. Right after reading a bunch of depressing, anxiety-provoking news. Smack dab in the middle of a mental health spiral. When I’m hangry. When I’m insecure. When I haven't exercised in a really long time. When there's not enough coffee in me.

I shall stop, cuz I know you have stuff to do.

Scott is WAAAAAAAYYYYY better at “calling it” than I am. When I get going and everything bad (about our kids' behaviors, about our property, about our decision-making, about our finances… about our marriage) seems so convincingly really bad – in other words when I’m acting somewhat nuts - he knows to cut bait. 

When I get like that, I’m like a centipede-unearther… I start seeking out rocks to look under just so I can shine light on the squirmy little nuisances beneath.

Except that a) most of the rocks aren’t really there and b) therefore, most of the centipedes aren’t either. 

Now, I’m not saying he won’t let me vent. Lord have mercy, that man is a saint for hearing out my venting. It’s just that he’s got some sort of Sixth Sense for knowing the distinction between not-helpful-but-not-harmful venting and moving-towards-harmful venting. 

You know where that line is for me, usually? When I start picking away at our relationship. It seems to be that rock of doubt is the one I’ll hyperfocus on the most (after 11pm, the week before my period, when I need a snack) – I’ll chisel around it, stick explosives in the cracks of it, take a jackhammer to it… in order to expose perceived problems beneath. When Scott’s Sixth Sense is flagged, when it becomes abundantly clear to him that we are on the cusp of saying damaging or hurtful things (disguised by what at the time seems responsible: "healthy processing"), Scott simply asks, “Would it be alright if we took a crack at this when we’re in a different space?” 

Well, maybe that’s not exactly what he says. Mostly, it’s more something like, “Tricia, I think we should stop talking and go to bed.” 

Smart man.

Cuz I almost always wake up less nuts. 

And less hellbent on uselessly dissecting every doubt I’ve ever had about our marriage. 

Take away: there is a time to talk about tough stuff and then there is a time to go to bed. 

When in doubt, Scott has taught me to err on the side of go to bed.