Some Deep Thoughts...
Scott and I talk about Duncan a lot. We visit his grave a few times a week (today was a beauty of a day to stand and talk to him). I do my best every day to close my eyes and visualize his sweet face. And when I can't seem to bring his image to mind, I go through stacks of pictures to ensure that those 5 months can continue to be reinvented in my consciousness. I think I fear most forgetting pieces of his memory. To me, it feels like I am not honoring him properly if I forget even one detail about his eyes, nose, hair, toes, personality...
And there are couple other thoughts we have had about honoring Duncan. On that Glenlaurel trip on Oct 30th, Scott shared how he had this overwhelming desire to make Duncan proud. His feelings were that Duncan went through so much more than either of us had... physical and emotional trauma. And, for the most part, he did it without complaint. So, as a result, Scott feels a deep respect for Duncan. As if his Spirit (which we both have identified is ageless when it is not bound by physical and developmental limitations) is to be revered. Thus, Scott's desire to make Duncan proud. He wants everything he is and does from Duncan's death forward to be good and right and worthy.
My thoughts are similar, mainly a simplified version of Scott's. I want to be made different by Duncan. In my thinking, if I don't proactively create a change, then his existence did not matter... then I am not honoring him... then I am not honoring God, for that matter... then the potential goodness as a result of his life and death was not seen through.
I have no doubt that I have been changed by Duncan's presence in my life. Clearly, he has and will continue to transform me in some way(s). But what I'm describing is something more intentional. It almost feels like what I'm hunting for could be likened to a way extreme New Year's resolution. Like, "For Duncan, I vow to forever stop gossiping" And when I come close to that personal flaw, I would think, "Now, I promised Duncan I wouldn't." Or as drastic as going into ministry, as if to say, "Thanks, Duncan, for giving me that extra nudge." Or to volunteer at Children's, offering support to families similar to ours. Or to start a foundation. Or I don't know what. But one thing is for sure, I do not want this event in our lives, the event called "Duncan" to get lost.
